Wives and Husbands

Graham was told to put down the pepper shaker. He had already sprinkled too much on his sweet potatoes. He refused to stop and shook out the pepper until the food was inedible and the shaker itself was jammed with sweet potatoes. I know you are startled to learn this about Graham, the miracle child, soon to be five years old. But it’s true.

“Who made you the boss of me?” I would rather go sit in a corner by myself than let you tell me what to do.

We have seven grandchildren, and all of them are in charge. Hope, 14, never gives up on telling her 10-year-old sister, Alaina, what to do. And Alaina never quits doing her own thing, whatever it is. Messy grace.

Wives, Submit:

"submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." — Ephesians 5:21

It is essential to our witness and spiritual health. 

Submission is something we all learn to do.

”Honey, I am going to the back 40 to look for some possum and squirrel. Be dark when I get back.”

“No you’re not, dear. Your sister is coming over for dinner. Can’t you smell the cabrita? Go get your shower and come help me cut up these veggies.”

“Oh, my sister. I remember.” The soldier wishes he could go to the back 40. But he knows his wife is right. So he dutifully takes his shower and helps with the dinner.

This is how it has been since marriage began. Women have helped men learn to brush their teeth, wash their hands, comb their hair, and present themselves properly. And men have followed instructions because their wives were right. They did smell better after bathing, and they got more kisses.

It’s called submitting to one another. It’s part of marriage.

Submission is not easy or exciting. Few people get charged up about the act and art of submitting—letting others have their way. It feels demeaning and humiliating. 

• Paul is only addressing this issue because wives are having a hard time doing it. They are getting bossy. They are nagging their husbands. Husbands feel like they are henpecked. In the age of patriarchy, wives are exerting their control over their husbands.

Sarah is a good example that Paul uses here. Yes, she called Abraham “lord.” But she also teared up and cried and got him to send away Hagar and Ishmael, a most terrible thing to do to his own child. But it’s what Sarah wanted. I think Rebekah was actually in charge of Isaac’s household. She got her way from the birthright to the blessing.

• We all want to have our way all the time. It’s who we are in our fallen nature. And we will manipulate circumstances and people, holler and scream and threaten one another, to get our way if we can. 
• When husbands feel like they are being disrespected and manipulated, they check out. Most of them cannot win an argument with their wives. The wives have better verbal skills. They get frustrated and quit talking. 
• So, wives, submit. But God is not picking on you.

Submission is basic Christianity. This word is used more than 20 times by the Apostle Paul. 

• Wives are called to submit to their husbands.
• Citizens are called to submit to the civil authorities—to the ordinances of men.
• Slaves are called to submit to their masters.
• Christians are called to submit to one another—to put the other’s interest above your own. "You who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders. All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble." (1 Peter 5:5:)

Jesus “humbled himself,” “emptied himself,” gave up his reputation, and became a human being. But not just any human being. He became a peasant living in the backwoods of Galilee. He submitted himself to his imperfect parents, Joseph and Mary. He was better than them, smarter than them. He was the Lord of glory! Yet he submitted to these ordinary humans who were given charge over him as a boy.

• He was not through submitting when he became an adult. He submitted to his Father in heaven. He did everything his Father told him to do. He lived out his life in obedience. He came as a servant. He was among us as one who serves.
• Finally, he submitted to the cruel death of the cross. No one forced this upon Jesus. He gave himself to his executioners. It was his final human act of submission.

Christian Submission is fundamentally to Christ.

• The follower of Jesus submits to human laws “out of reverence for Christ.”
• The Christian’s final allegiance is to Christ alone. This means that the Christian operates from a foundation that is above and beyond all human laws and government. The Christian belongs to Christ alone. Christ alone is Lord. There is no other Lord for the Christian.

Husbands, Love Your Wives:

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her." — Ephesians 5:25

Messy Grace

Love your wife as Christ loved the Church

• Make your Marriage the Priority of your Life.
• If you don’t want to do this, don’t get married. Stay single and celibate, and you will honor God.
• If you go to the altar, make that marriage the priority just as Christ made the church his priority.
• Give yourself up as Christ gave up himself. 

Love your wife as you love yourself

• As a rule, people love themselves. That’s the only way that the second commandment works: love your neighbor as you love yourself.
• You are one flesh, as Paul quotes from Genesis, and as Jesus quoted. This is the basic marriage verse in the Bible. They are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together let no one separate (Jesus, in Matthew 19:6).

Love is basic Christianity. Love is the fulfillment of the law (Rom 13:10). In both of these challenges to husbands, Paul is echoing Jesus.

• Love your neighbor as yourself. This is basic Jesus.
• Love as Christ loved and gave himself. This is basic Jesus. Notice in 1 John: “Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers (1 John 3:16). 
  • Husbands are called to love their wives in the same way that all Christians are called to love one another—with the laying down of our lives.
• Jesus said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Mark 10)
  • Any spouse who “lords it over” the other spouse is not following Christ but the devil. That attitude of superiority, that authoritarian spirit, has got to go. “Not so among you.”
  • Taking the form of a servant is submission.
  • Submission culminates in the laying down of life.
  • The Law of Love has submission imbedded in it.

Marriage Demonstrates the Gospel:

"I am talking about Christ and the church." — Ephesians 5:32

Messy Grace!

Practice your Christianity first in your Marriage.

• Make your marriage a picture of reverence for Christ.
• Give priority to your marriage as a witness to Christ.
• Let your love for one another bear witness to Christ.

Marriage demonstrates the submission of the church to Christ. This is a lifestyle of submission to Christ and then to other humans and other human ordinances.

Marriage demonstrates how we are to love our neighbor as we loves ourselves. We care for each other as we care for ourselves. There is self-interest in this, of course.

Marriage demonstrates how God’s love lays down its life for the sake of the other person. If I love my wife passionately and to the sacrifice of my own life, I am living out the love of Christ in my marriage for all to observe.

The Law of Love prevails here and everywhere in the gospel. Marriage is not an arrangement. It is not a contract. It is not a convenience. It is not entered into for economic reasons. It is a love relationship where the gospel is lived out and demonstrated as a priority of life.